No spikka English

Isn't it rude to laugh at people? :p

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

Loud, Mad, or Sad

Funny how people define things differently.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

"Don’t forget the coffee!"

My cousin is an airplane pilot and he tells me the darnest things happen behind the cockpit door!

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it.

As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

The Blonde Painter

Aiyooo blondes are not that dumb leh... why are blondes always the butt of jokes??

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Reindeer at the Bar

Here's a Christmas themed joke in conjunction with Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone!

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Carnation Milk

This is said to be a true story. Really or not? I'm a bit skeptical. :o)

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with: "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!"

She sent in her entry and, about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much; we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."

Here is her entry:

"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son of a bitch."

Is This What Friends Are For?

You'll only know who your true friends are when you're in trouble.

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Ruth or DiMaggio?

This one is funny. I love dog jokes and hope that dogs are really as intellegent as they ae portrayed in jokes!

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."

He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Chinese Laundry

LOL I personally think it's rude to have other people clean your own lingerie, even if it's paid service.

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it came back there were still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said," Use more paper on ass."

Parrot Betting

hah... can gamble with a parrot too!

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

Business Ethics

LOL that's gonna be one hell of a dilemma for him!

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

-- Henny Youngman

Ugga Bugga

Haha this one's funny. Learnt a new term too :o)

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary.

The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!

Slow as Snail

This one's really funny. Wonder who wrote it!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

Visit to the Psychiatrist

I've been missing for almost two weeks. That could only mean that my sexy lingerie consignment has arrived. I'm very sorry for the interval and I'm gonna back date my posts a bit :p

Now I'm back to entertain you with some of the best jokes on the net. I hope you will laugh as hard as me.

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."

Cure For Cough

This is funny but rather gross and we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy!

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."

Are You Kidding?

hehe this is a funnily sarcastic joke!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

Codeword For s3x

A funny joke that makes you use your imagination.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have s3x without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Voodoo Pen!s

This is a rather long joke but it's worth reading. I know it's old but you'll laugh no matter how many times you've read it before.

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.

One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport.

She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady."

He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go."

The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.

The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box.

After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help. She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road.

A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.

She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"

The World's Longest Pen!s

LOL Guys are always comparing,eh?

The two guys with the biggest penises in the world wanted to have a contest. They wanted to see whose penis was the biggest.

Not wanting everyone to see their contest they decided to walk from Brooklyn over the Verrazano Bridge to a Remote part of Staten Island.

While walking over the bridge and seeing all of that water, they had to urinate. They each started to urinate over the side of the bridge.

After about ten seconds the first guy said. "Whoooooo, this water is cold! Not to be out done, the other guy said. "Yes it is...And it's deep too!!!

Horny Older Man

This one's a bit long but funny.

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.

One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home.

He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it.

A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?"

"I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?"

"Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose."

"Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."

The Single Mother

This joke is rather long but it's worth to read. Make you use your brains a little too teehee.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank f*** for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

Why It's Not Easy Being A D!ck

Hahaha NOW we know WHY! Sorry, can't help laughing!

You have one eye you can not see with. A head you can not think with. You hang out with a couple of nuts. Your closest neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.

Nerd Bicycle

Haha this one is funny. All joke writers think men have only one thing in mind?

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Women's "English"

I LOVE this! All guys should keep these in their heads to understand women better because women do not always speak in full sentences HAHAHA.

You probably read this many times already, but there's no harm in getting a refreshers course!

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

"Sure, go ahead" = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset you moron.

"We need to talk" = I need to complain.

"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper, etc...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he falls asleep

Answering the question, "What's wrong?"
"...The same old thing" = Nothing

"...Everything" = My PMS is acting up

"...Nothing, really" = It's just that you're such a jerk

Are you male or female??

This is funny. A chance to laugh at ourself.

To know the answer just look down .......

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not here stupid.....!

Who's This Guy?

Did this happen in Thailand?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

What Every Woman Wants

This just shows that men need to understand women better hahaha

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Country Politics

This one's funny. We can't trust those bloody politicians!

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."