Which Girlfriend To Marry?

This is SO typical of men. It definitely is NOT how smart a lady is! No-no! *sigh*

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

70 Ways To Keep A Woman Happy

This is short and witty. I don't know about others BUT .... I sure need more than 70 ways to keep me happy!

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy

One is to take her shopping.

The rest is 69.

10 Things To Do In A Bathroom Stall

This one got me laughing! Does anyone dare to do these??

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shoudn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place 6 feet to 8 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10.Fill up a large flask with Moutain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

Leave me suggestions if you want =)

How To Impress

I apologize for not updating as regularly as I should. I try to back date to make up for the slack. I've been so busy blogging since I have more than ten blogs to take care of.

Although I write paid posts almost daily, this is my passion blog and I come here to relieve stress.

Here's a joke I found rather funny, funny because it's true!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.

So You Think You Are Smart?

I have actually done this quiz quite a number of times. It's amazing that I can never remember ten short answers like these!

Passing requires 4 correct answers.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass ....... Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange [of course]


What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lied!)

This is creepy .....

Try this game out. It's creepy, I tell you!

Think of a letter between A and W.





Repeat it out loud as you scroll down




Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ..




Think of an animal that begins with that letter.





Repeat it out loud as you scroll down





Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name





Almost there........




Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down




Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level





Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand



Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?










Of course not.......



Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

ArseIcons

These are really funny, especially when you use it while chatting and the other party does not know what it means. It's sort of like a private joke! Try them out!

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

Beer Patch

heheheh I bet this is also the first time you have heard of a beer patch!

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

Moses the Parrot

Hahaha animal jokes are one of the best. If only they can really talk like this!

A burgular was going through the drawers of someone else's livingroom when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued.

"Jesus is watching you."

He turned and shone his torch across the room, eventually coming to rest on a parrot in the corner. He walked up to it and asked, "Did you say that?"

"Oh, yes." responded the parrot.

"So you can speak good English?"

"Yes, pretty good"

"What's your name?"

"Moses."

The burgular considered this, then replied, "What kind of IDIOT names a parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of idiot that names a rottweiler Jesus."

We'll Never Forget You!

This one I never read before but jokes that are outrageous like this are hard to relate to la, right?

Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls.

They are very drunk and as the walk home was taking longer than expected,

find themselves desperate for a wee.

As they are passing a church with a graveyard,

they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones.

As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.

The first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards,

which is what she does.

The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it,

but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it.

One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick, expensive ribbon.

'Just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her,

and uses the ribbon.

Their task completed, they continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second.

"We need to keep an eye on our wives.

Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"

"You think you've got problems!" exclaims the second husband.

"My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said

'We'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station'!"

'Guess who?'

Whoa, people always make fun of lawyers and how they will go to Hell all the time but this lawyer joke is one of a kind.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," was the reply.

Bang! Bang!

This is the first time I read this joke. Haha quite funny.

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

Dumb & Dumber

I read this a few times already and yet it does not fail to make me laugh! Old jokes are sometimes better.

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

"Gama Su! Gama Su!"

This is sure to crack you up!

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!".

Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese.

Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

What part of your body...

I love this kind of jokes of young innocent minds.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and sheasked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.