Five New Boyfriends!

Here's a joke digging at elderly ladies. I know, it's no fun growing old and it is not easy to do so gracefully. Still, it's great to laugh at ourselves once in a while.

After *laughing* at the elderly ladies perhaps later, in another post, I will dig out a joke on elderly men. How about that? Meanwhile, enjoy!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John, sometimes we visit a couple times during the night too!

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer

Quote: Life is like a roll of toilet paper The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes!

Crushed Scrotum

This is an extremely funny joke that was emailed to me by a friend a long time ago. As I was searching for an email this morning, I stumbled upon this email and decided it's great to share. Just a little laugh at someone's expense!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

Why I Fired My Secretary...

I receive quite a few forwarded joke e-mail on a daily basis and it’s great that there are friends who care enough to cheer me up on an otherwise boring work day. The following joke is rather longish but it is one funnier jokes that I received in quite a long while.

Long it may be, it’ll be worth your two minutes, believe me!

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you! And me."

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the nicest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"O.K.," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake..... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...
.
.
.
on the couch.....
.
.
.
.
.
NAKED!

30 Advantages of Being A Woman

I always felt that it is a disadvantage to be a woman. I feel that being a man comes with more freedom and choices to do what we want to do in life. A woman, especially an Asian woman, meanwhile, has a host of restrictions in life that curbs her lifestyle and ambitions. Of course, I cannot say the same for ALL women but I am sure I am not the only one to feel so.

This evening, I stumbled upon a list of thirty points detailing why it is better to be a woman. Do you know why? I guess we can never compare because we are either a man or a woman and not both at the same time. Now, that would be freaky!

Check out the list of advantages of being a woman RIGHT HERE. My personal favourite would be:

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

HHhmmm I always thought that guys love touching their family jewels because of itch. Guess not!

Paying The Rent

A couple of days ago, I came across this very funny adult joke from Funny and Jokes, one of my favourite joke sites. They have an excellent database of jokes that I could reread many times over.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

“Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of this check and note, what does the lady do? Well, you've got to hop over to Funny and Jokes to read the rest of the joke!

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

I was reading some jokes when I spotted this very funny joke making fun of psychiatric patients. If you are one of them, then better don't read or your will feel hurt at this light-hearted joke.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

What Is The Most Painful Part of A Sex Change Operation?

I just came across this joke and it is damn funny. Well, do you know what the most painful part of a sex change operation is? I thought I knew but this joke has a very funny twist. Something that I did not expect at all, though it is very true!

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed.

After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

Where Are The Fingers?

Haha.... this joke is exceptionally gross but it is quite funny, unexpectedly making me laugh out loud. Where are the fingers?

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

I read this joke at Comedy Central recently. It's supposed to be a joke but I don't find it funny at all BUT if someone I live with acts anyway like the foillowing, I tell you, I am moving out, pronto!

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

By the way, when I was checking out Comedy Central, I found that some of the pages do not show which kills the user-experience of a browser. Come read jokes on my blog better!