The ZEN of Life

I was digging through my old email when I chanced upon this one. It’s pretty long but it’s in list form so reading it should be a breeze. These will make you think… and laugh.

I remember writing a list of similar ZENs of life but I don’t know where I kept them anymore. Well, maybe one day when I managed to find them, I’ll post them up here too! Meanwhile, enjoy these!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Male / Female Translations

I really love reading jokes that show the vast difference between the minds of men and women. Yes, I agree that women are way more complex than men. That's why we have best sellers like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus."

Here's a joke that I believe has been circulated to death but it is still just as funny every time!

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male......... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male…... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male…... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male........ A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

7 REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male….... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND...

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don't know; it has never happened.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

The Church Gossip

A friend sent me this joke, which fell into my Spam Folder. LOL I wonder why. He must have sent it to ALL his Address Book contacts.

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that anyone who saw it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.

I don't think this joke is exceptionally funny, though!

Polish Sausage

I've got a joke here that was sent to me by email by a friend sometime back and I didn't have the chance to share it. Some people may not get the joke because this is an American-centric joke.

Man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some Polish sausage.

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says," Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no"

"And if I asked you for some Irish whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?

What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Oh, come on, this joke is really too far-fetched already! LOL