tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-358420782024-03-19T17:12:37.357+08:00::: Daily Humour :::Disclaimer: Contents are property of their respective ownersEmilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.comBlogger177125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-18115994780222314622010-01-27T15:17:00.000+08:002010-01-27T15:17:35.592+08:00Eat, Shoots, Leaves<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Here is a joke that I am sure many joke lovers have come across before already but I have a friend who asked me why it has been such a long time that I haven't updated my "Daily" joke blog. So this one's for him! <br /><blockquote>A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."<br /><br />The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"<p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNcB-aReCFcXnrQdrZdbwcbLGYQ-d_jPf23jKw1TcPRoNU9pIrtiQEHD20avhD3bM1NpKLPTY2LoEGYgKkwi9mzWC6TR6UGu7ls8FBhFl39SNKAkp_zose2l1Z2f_G0xFVq82hA/s1600-h/panda.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNcB-aReCFcXnrQdrZdbwcbLGYQ-d_jPf23jKw1TcPRoNU9pIrtiQEHD20avhD3bM1NpKLPTY2LoEGYgKkwi9mzWC6TR6UGu7ls8FBhFl39SNKAkp_zose2l1Z2f_G0xFVq82hA/s320/panda.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431314976398111250" /></a></p>The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." </blockquote></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-42373361425272375132008-11-23T12:19:00.000+08:002008-11-23T12:20:07.092+08:00A Dog Named Sex<div align="justify">My friend sent me this newspaper clipping of a vastly circulated joke about a man and his dog, Sex. I remember reading jokes of this dog named Sex so I decided to check online to see the different versions. Here is one with a funny ending.<p><blockquote>Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." <br /><br />When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.<br /><br />When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"<br /><br />One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.<br /><br />When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"<br /><br />Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.<br /><br />Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."</blockquote><p><center><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGyDdrXPOZCVc32vjK_gb0tC5l2FvoVA7Y07_hurWYyd6J1Wkr_NJJT_LZgOjScbVchsWlrsDDFfpZbmVVHrvtsg5XTbMIcztfmxxfymtU9-n6i953G8Au8PD-1pdO1ECRvFtukA/s1600-h/A+Dog+Named+Sex.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGyDdrXPOZCVc32vjK_gb0tC5l2FvoVA7Y07_hurWYyd6J1Wkr_NJJT_LZgOjScbVchsWlrsDDFfpZbmVVHrvtsg5XTbMIcztfmxxfymtU9-n6i953G8Au8PD-1pdO1ECRvFtukA/s320/A+Dog+Named+Sex.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5271701476970419874" /></a></center><p>Check <a href="http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/namedsex.asp" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">THIS LINK</a> for the low down on the joke.</div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-51990215171665093622008-10-19T22:29:00.001+08:002011-11-03T09:16:27.167+08:003 Stages of Marital Sex<div align="justify">I am sure you would have read about the joke: <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/2008/05/mariah-careys-engagement-ring.html">"Marriage is a three RING Circus"</a>. But have you read about the "Three stages of marital sex"?<p><blockquote><b>Honeymoon sex:</b><br />This is where you have sex three or four times a night.<br /><br /><b>Vacation sex:</b><br />This is where you have sex, ten, or twelve times a year.<br /><br /><b>Oral sex:</b><br />This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from your spouse and yell, "Fxxk YOU!" </blockquote></p></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-53388951079480308602008-09-14T00:22:00.007+08:002011-06-15T08:29:02.933+08:00The Lion's Meal<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I have been so busy the past week, and then got lazy and just wanted to relax after all assignments have been completed, that I just was not in the frame of mind to update my joke blog. I am so sorry about that if you came and see no fresh content.<br /><br />Today, I bring you a really hilarious joke. It's so funny (to me) that I actually laughed out loud! This joke was sent to me mid-week by a friend who, knowing that I was rushing my work like hell, wanted to cheer me up. After a good laugh, my stress tension was released.<br /><br />Take a look at picture one. Imagine you are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch. </div><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRIVunYOZpHkWdue9aAK_uoNynt4-8xeDWlVlih1PL7l-tFY3tJ28CcXjDVACJerdqxHZemBZ6il3yTPRTOKHeT9x3kfBBrfxvawhLt4QFEkQeDZGtfYyz1tD8K8MVztTO1PXb6Q/s1600-h/Lion+1.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5245539369332859954" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRIVunYOZpHkWdue9aAK_uoNynt4-8xeDWlVlih1PL7l-tFY3tJ28CcXjDVACJerdqxHZemBZ6il3yTPRTOKHeT9x3kfBBrfxvawhLt4QFEkQeDZGtfYyz1tD8K8MVztTO1PXb6Q/s320/Lion+1.png" border="0" /></a> <p><p align="justify">Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. What to do now ..........<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />write your answer before you scroll down....<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />Scroll down for answer...<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br /><br /></p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBCC6UPXYWRVhjFtGJZyc5IGGkJyNUq2kCVIoNppmb8YOikdsMaHIdy1E4j1PTHjiwzoMMKW2ttgo1LPyj3dthhANuj692FxQ_HMuaCYIyV5BAEzPFnUBPv0s1H2_a8ZYmC3vdNw/s1600-h/Lion+2.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5245539373274851074" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBCC6UPXYWRVhjFtGJZyc5IGGkJyNUq2kCVIoNppmb8YOikdsMaHIdy1E4j1PTHjiwzoMMKW2ttgo1LPyj3dthhANuj692FxQ_HMuaCYIyV5BAEzPFnUBPv0s1H2_a8ZYmC3vdNw/s320/Lion+2.png" border="0" /></a><br />Sing a Happy Birthday song!</span>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-66960166227224110142008-09-01T23:06:00.001+08:002008-09-01T23:06:58.184+08:00Orange Penis<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Here is an <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">adult joke</a> that I came across days ago but could not find the time to post. Yes, I have been that busy! I think it’s funny but I hope that it does not offend your sense. Otherwise, I’m sorry, joke blogs are not your kind of blogs to read. <br /><br />Anyway, I have read a joke on blue penis before but this is a first for orange penis. Maybe later, someone would be writing jokes on penises of other colours! LOL<br /><p><blockquote>An old man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange."<br /><br />The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange.<br /><br />The old man said "No." The doctor thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.<br />The old man said "No, I'm retired."<br /><br />The doctor then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage.<br /><br />The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos. </blockquote></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-64021784778763626702008-08-19T10:29:00.001+08:002008-08-20T23:16:28.343+08:00Smart BlondeHow often have we read joke son dumb blondes? I really pity blondes, you know? they are not dumb, or are they? Which blonde gave all blondes a bad name? Now, "Dumb Blonde" is so sticky it's stale.<br /><br />But today, I have a smart blonde joke for you. It's funny and it has a punch line. By the way, are you able to tell a joke and not laugh at it yourself before you could deliver your joke? You own laughter will only spoil the punch line, you know?<p><blockquote>The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" <br />"Eleven," she replied. <br /><br />The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" <br /><br />"Today and tomorrow." <br /><br />He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. <br /><br />"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" <br /><br />The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." <br /><br />"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" <br /><br />So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" </blockquote></p>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-37671702526001299852008-08-16T12:32:00.000+08:002008-08-16T12:34:27.754+08:00A Robber Meets A ThiefI have often been asked why I keep a joke blog, jokes that have been copied and pasted. Well, I'm a collector. I collect jokes, I collect recipes, I collect stamps, coins, phone cards and I even collect t-shirts.<br /><br />This joke blog is actually for me to go though my old posts when I am stressed at work, which happens all the time. I come here and I know that I will love every one of these jokes, and laugh.<br /><br />Anyway, with the upcoming by election in Permatang Pauh in Malaysia and with admission of adultery by John Edwards this past week in the two Americas, I decided to look for a political joke. <br /><br />I actually wanted to post a joke that encompass sex, lies and politics but have yet to find one that has the killer punch line. Still this is funny enough!<br /><br /><p><blockquote>Late one night, a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs. <br /><br />"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me — I'm a State Assemblyman!" <br /><br />"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"</blockquote></p>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-80221986602391040062008-08-10T19:34:00.000+08:002008-08-10T19:35:47.303+08:00An Old SnakeToday, I decided that I want an animal joke. As an animal lover, I look out for animal jokes all the time and joke writers always try to make animals sound dumb, which is funny because we animal lovers know how smart they actually are. <br /><br />Here is a joke about an old snake that went to see a doctor. Although it is just a short joke, it made me laugh. It has the punch line that we all look forward to when reading a joke!<p><blockquote><br />"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.<br /><br />The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.<br /><br />Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"<br /><br />"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"</blockquote></p>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-4647970099822394032008-08-05T00:01:00.001+08:002008-08-05T00:01:57.688+08:00World's Ten Oldest Jokes<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">As the owner of a joke blog, I go through many jokes, sometimes thanks to friends who drop me forwarded jokes, which I am always appreciative of!<br /><br />One could never get bored with a good joke and in my book, a good joke is a joke that no matter how many times I have read it, it would still be able to make me laugh PLUS I would not feel as if I have read it before no matter how many times I have read it before!<br /><br />Here is a copy of ten oldest jokes that <a href="http://uktv.co.uk/dave/item/aid/604717" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Dave TV</a> spent two months compiling. Wow, they sure are really old, going back to BCs and ADs LOL<br /><br />Read these ten jokes and let me know which is your favourite!<p><blockquote>1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13) <br /><br />2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus) <br /><br />3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC) <br /><br />4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?" (Egyptian circa 1100 BC) <br /><br />5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC) <br /><br />6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC) <br /><br />7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC) <br /><br />8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD) <br /><br />9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD) <br /><br />10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence." (Collected in the Philogelos or "Laughter-Lover" the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD) </blockquote></p></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-84484383093367462872008-08-04T18:06:00.000+08:002008-08-04T18:07:01.999+08:00Dumb Mother<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">What do you do on a boring afternoon when there's nothing much going on at work, particularly if you are working for yourself? Read a joke <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">dumb joke</a>, of course!<br /><br />Here is a <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">dumb joke</a>, which I believe DID NOT really happen. Is there a mother this dumb? I don't think so. If there was, I think we have to do something with her, but I am too polite to tell what! LOL<p><blockquote>A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. <br /><br />A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. <br /><br />She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. </blockquote></p></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-59543129227177068592008-07-31T10:44:00.000+08:002008-07-31T10:47:46.134+08:00The Unfaithful Wife<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I was surfing the internet looking for some <a href="http://www.bligblogging.com/" target="_blank">blog</a> topics when I thought I would go and check out jokes for my joke blog. The morning can be SO boring sometimes, don't you agree? That's why a good joke would certainly cheer us up!<br /><br />So here is one joke with a very logical answer that just makes one laugh because it is too straightforward! Here goes: [enjoy!]<p><blockquote>A guy tells his psychiatrist: <br />It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me? <br /><br />"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't get your telegram."<br /></blockquote></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-1093036465677968292008-07-28T00:08:00.001+08:002008-07-28T00:24:52.839+08:00A Blonde's Mother Dies<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I wonder why people love making fun of blondes. Are they so klutzy that their life seems like a joke? <br /><br />In my old school days, I remember that I do not have a blonde friend but a friend who has "fake" blonde color as her hair.<br /><br />Read this and let me know if it is funny enough for you!<p><blockquote>One day a brunnete was driving home from work, as she got out of the car she heard her blonde neighbor crying.<br /><br />"Oh my god what wrong?" the brunnete asked. "My mother just died!" said the blonde crying out. The brunnete feeling sorry for the blonde comforted her for the whole day. <br /><br />The next day the brunette saw the blonde crying outside. "Now what the hell is wrong?!" said the brunnete. <br /><br />"Ohh, it's terrible...my sister called, and her mother died too!"</blockquote><br /></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-78137308081523146722008-07-20T03:38:00.002+08:002008-07-20T03:47:43.431+08:00Computer Acronyms<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I've been facing so much computer and internet connectivity problems lately that I decided to check on the web for <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">funny computer humour</a> to cheer myself up. Boy, are there lots, though some are not that funny!<br /><br />People say, computer troubles are the bane of modern existence but what could we do? We have to live with technology, no matter how badly they work sometimes.<br /><br />Here's a funny list of Computer Acronyms that would tickle your funny bone. Enjoy!<p><blockquote><b>PCMCIA:</b> People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms <br /><br /><b>ISDN:</b> It Still Does Nothing <br /><br /><b>APPLE:</b> Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity <br /><br /><b>SCSI:</b> System Can't See It <br /><br /><b>DOS:</b> Defective Operating System <br /><br /><b>BASIC:</b> Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control <br /><br /><b>IBM:</b> I Blame Microsoft <br /><br /><b>DEC:</b> Do Expect Cuts <br /><br /><b>CD-ROM:</b> Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months <br /><br /><b>OS/2:</b> Obsolete Soon, Too. <br /><br /><b>WWW:</b> World Wide Wait <br /><br /><b>MACINTOSH:</b> Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs <br /><br /><b>PENTIUM:</b> Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics <br /><br /><b>AMIGA:</b> A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction <br /><br /><b>LISP:</b> Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses <br /><br /><b>MIPS:</b> Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed <br /><br /><b>WINDOWS:</b> Will Install Needless Data On Whole System <br /><br /><b>MICROSOFT:</b> Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers <br /><br /><b>RISC:</b> Reduced Into Silly Code </blockquote><br /><br />More <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">computer jokes</a> could be read <a href="http://www.soon.org.uk/humor/computer.htm" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">here</a>.</span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-15738502584259303882008-07-13T12:07:00.000+08:002008-07-13T12:09:41.204+08:00American Beer<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">This joke has been classified as an <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">adult joke</a> but it is not really that. I guess it is because of the word SEX. This is a very logical joke, though, so enjoy! <br /><br />As always, do let me know if you like it!<p><blockquote>A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.<br />"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.<br />The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. <br />Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.<br />"Aaaahhh. There`s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.<br />That makes things grow."<br />Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.<br />He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.<br />"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.<br />"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I`ve got the wife on American beer!" </blockquote> </span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-90371182637384906572008-07-11T12:54:00.000+08:002008-07-11T12:55:23.663+08:00Not This Time<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Here’s a “joke” which I guess will not be such a joke, but rather a nightmare, for men should it really happen. Hah that would be funny! And if this is real, it surely would not be the end of the “joke”.<br /><br />I purposely searched for a joke about pregnancy as my friend just informed me that she is pregnant AGAIN! Her first baby is only seven months old and her second baby will be due in seven months’ time! <br /><br />Anyway, I hope that you will enjoy today’s joke! <p><blockquote>There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. <br /><br />After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. <br /><br />He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." <br /><br />Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" <br /><br />The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".</blockquote></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-90714076226593848652008-07-06T11:03:00.001+08:002008-07-06T11:03:46.455+08:00Cat & Mouse Joke<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I have been feeling down lately since the loss of a <a href="http://animal-adventures.blogspot.com/2008/07/does-snoopy-know-that-dino-has-died.html" target="_blank">wonderful pet</a>. I know it has been a month already but still, I miss him a lot. <br /><br />So I decided to look for <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">funny pet jokes</a> to see if there's any that could make me laugh. And yes, this <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">funny cat joke</a> from <a href="http://rulingcatsanddogs.com/funny-pet-stuff-joke-imaginary-mouse.htm" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Ruling Cats and Dogs</a> did the trick. <br /><br />By the way, Ruling Cats and Dogs is a cat and <a href="http://animal-adventures.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">dog pet</a> website that I visit sometimes. If you love cats or dogs, check them out.<p><blockquote>Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.<br /><br />"What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked.<br />"A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered. <br />"What for?"<br />"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them." <br />"But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.<br /><br />Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat." </blockquote></p><br /></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-30649095281092751102008-07-03T10:12:00.001+08:002008-07-03T10:12:16.513+08:0010 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Gosh, it surely has been a looong while since I have read a good funny joke! I have been depressive after <a href="http://animal-adventures.blogspot.com/2008/06/bad-dog-chronicles.html" target="_blank">my beloved dog</a> <a href="http://www.emily2u.com/farewell-my-dearest-dino/" target="_blank">died</a> and have slacked in my <a href="http://www.bligblogging.com/" target="_blank">blogging</a> too. Anyway, I hope to improve my pace in updating my blogs this month.<br /><br />So here's a <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">funny joke</a> that has a serious theme. I know that many guys shit in their pants when it comes to dating a girl who still lives with her family. LOL If your girlfriend is such a girl, this joke "10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter" will tell you what the girlfriend's father did not tell you outright.<p><blockquote><b>Rule One:</b><br />If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.<br /><br /><b>Rule Two:</b><br />You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.<br /><br /><b>Rule Three:</b><br />I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.<br /><br /><b>Rule Four:</b><br />I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.<br /><br /><b>Rule Five:</b><br />It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."<br /><br /><b>Rule Six:</b><br />I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.<br /><br /><b>Rule Seven:</b><br />As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?<br /><br /><b>Rule Eight:</b><br />The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.<br /><br /><b>Rule Nine:</b><br />Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.<br /><br /><b>Rule Ten:</b><br />Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.</blockquote></p><br />This <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">funny joke</a> was copied from <a href="http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/1116.php" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Funny Humor</a>. Did you enjoy it? tee hee!</span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-65631593435540780192008-06-29T18:05:00.002+08:002008-06-29T18:12:58.076+08:00Randy The Horniest Rooster<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">This is a very funny animal joke. Well, funny if you like joke like these. It is quite long and I am sorry for that but in less than a minute so it didn’t seem like it is too long, just a lot of text!<br /><br />Ohm by the way, I found this joke in <a href="http://www.dailyfunnyjokes.com/jokes/?joke=3.txt" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Daily Funny Jokes</a>. They do have quite a lot of funny jokes, which I am trying to accumulate as well but I am working at a snail's pace. SIGH!<br /><br />Meanwhile, enjoy this adult animal joke. LOL<p><blockquote>A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" <br /><br />So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse. <br /><br />Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. <br /><br />But Randy didn't stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. <br /><br />Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. <br /><br />Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. <br /><br />The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy." <br /><br />"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer" </blockquote></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-88188877319520868922008-06-21T23:29:00.002+08:002008-06-21T23:31:22.523+08:00Guy Does The Laundry<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I have read this gender joke about a guy doing his laundry, or a variation of this, quite a few times. However, each time, it is still able to bring a smile to my face. I don't know why I could forget the punch line every single time! Maybe I have an ultra short memory. <br /><br />Anyway, you know about all those dumb blonde jokes? This guy must have been a blond too!<br /><br /><p><blockquote>One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.<br /><br />Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"<br /><br />"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"<br /><br />He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."</blockquote></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-21210029420804363112008-06-18T09:11:00.001+08:002008-09-01T23:08:30.470+08:00Sex Drive Too "High"<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">This is a very logical yet <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">funny adult joke</a>. It would not make you go HA-HA-HA but will guarantee a chuckle out of you! <br /><br />Let me know via comment if you enjoyed my collection of jokes to inspire me to look for better and better ones to keep you laughing! Thank you!<p><blockquote>'You're in remarkable shape for a man your age,' said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.<br /><br />'I know it,' said the old gentleman. 'I've really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?'<br /><br />The doctor's mouth dropped open. 'Your what?!' he gasped.<br /><br />'My sex drive,' said the old man. 'It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can.'<br /><br />'Lower it?!' exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. 'Just what do you consider 'high'?'<br /><br />'These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc,' said the old man, 'and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.'</blockquote></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-61488731529941146222008-06-13T07:03:00.002+08:002008-06-13T07:04:42.943+08:00No Milk How To Breast Feed???<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Of all the jokes that I ever read before, I don't believe that I have read this <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">adult joke</a> before. I think this joke will surely bring out at east a chuckle out of you, if not, there surely must be something wrong with you! :p<br /><br />So here goes, but don't say I didn't warn that it is 18-SX!<p><blockquote>A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.<br /><br />The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.<br /><br />“Breast fed,” the woman replied.<br /><br />“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.<br /><br />Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”<br /><br />“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”</blockquote><p><b>Source:</b> <a href="http://jokes.sutradirectory.com/health-of-a-baby/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Here</a></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-48018462312892733122008-06-08T09:56:00.000+08:002008-06-08T09:59:01.263+08:00A Drunk In The Toilet<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I needed a good laugh this week and went looking for <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">funny jokes</a> on the web to cheer myself up. It's not easy to make my laugh because my pet died a couple of days ago but this one is rather funny.<br /><br />I know there are quite a few drunk jokes but I guess when one is drunk, anything could possibly happen!<br /><br />Tell me what you think of this joke. Is it funny enough for you?<p><blockquote>A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. <br /><br />A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. <br /><br />The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" <br /><br />The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." <br /><br />The bartender opens the door and looks in. <br /><br />"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"</blockquote></p></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-51414008414645099712008-06-05T19:37:00.001+08:002008-06-05T19:37:41.932+08:00What A FART!<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I read that blog readers love reading <a href="http://www.bligblogging.com/" target="_blank">blog</a> posts in list form. So today I have found a joke that is in list form! LOL. Today's joke, which I found on <a href="http://rategag.com/Bathroom_Humor/177.html" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Rate Gag</a> asks, what kind of farter are you. After reading this list, I have identified the kind of farter I am, but I am not telling! Hey, everyone farts, right?<br /><br />Not only that, I personally know of dishonest farters who blamed their dog for farting and strategic farters who not only concealed their farts with fake coughs, but also shift furniture right at the point of farting so that no one could hear the fart. Hahaha!<p><blockquote><b>Vain:</b> You love the smell of your own farts. <br /><br /><b>Amiable:</b> You love the smell of other people's farts. <br /><br /><b>Proud:</b> You think your farts are exceptionally fine. <br /><br /><b>Shy:</b> You release silent farts and then blush. <br /><br /><b>Impudent:</b> You boldly fart out loud and then laugh. <br /><br /><b>Unfortunate:</b> You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead. <br /><br /><b>Scientific:</b> You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution. <br /><br /><b>Nervous:</b> You stop in the middle of your fart. <br /><br /><b>Honest:</b> You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons. <br /><br /><b>Dishonest:</b> You fart and then blame the dog. <br /><br /><b>Foolish:</b> You suppress your farts for hours. <br /><br /><b>Thrifty:</b> You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve. <br /><br /><b>Anti-Social:</b> When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private. <br /><br /><b>Strategic:</b> You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing. <br /><br /><b>Sadistic:</b> You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head. <br /><br /><b>Intellectual:</b> You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed. <br /><br /><b>Athletic:</b> You fart at the slightest exertion. <br /><br /><b>Miserable:</b> You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart. <br /><br /><b>Sensitive:</b> You fart and then start crying. </blockquote></p></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-82130153866435748832008-06-02T04:11:00.000+08:002008-06-02T04:13:09.545+08:00The Nudist Colony<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Here is a very funny <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">adult joke</a> that's seriously funny although you kind of expected the ending but it is still quite funny. It's an <a href="http://dailyhumour.blogspot.com/">adult joke</a> so their ending always have a twist to them!<br /><br />Read it with an open mind!<p><blockquote>A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.<br /><br />The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”<br /><br />The man replies, “No, what do you mean?”<br /><br />She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.<br /><br />Later, the man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.<br /><br />Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.<br /><br />“No, what do you mean?” asks the newcomer.<br /><br />“It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.<br /><br />The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” she asks.<br /><br />The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”<br /><br />“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”<br /><br />The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I’m outta here!”</blockquote><p><b>Source:</b> <a href="http://www.jokedose.com/adult-jokes/the-nudist-colony-jokes.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a></span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35842078.post-42784414617060772232008-05-30T07:17:00.001+08:002008-05-30T07:17:39.301+08:00A Friend and a Good Bra<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">As a seller of <a href="http://www.lingeriexpert.com/" target="_blank">sexy lingerie</a> online, it never occurred to me that lingerie could be made into jokes too. Well, to my surprise, I found a very good joke, and true to the point as well, the compared a friend and a good-fitting bra. I hope this is a <a href="http://www.lingeriexpert.com/" target="_blank">sexy bra</a>?<br /><br />Read on and see if you are nodding your head as you are reading it!<br /><p><blockquote><br /><b>A Friend Is Like A Good Bra</b><br />Hard to Find<br />Supportive<br />Comfortable<br />Always Lifts You Up<br />Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging<br />And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!</blockquote></p><br />This joke was obtained from <a href="http://funnyjokes4me.blogspot.com/2008/05/funny-adult-jokes-bra.html" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Funny Jokes 4 Me</a>.</span></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490782151343797069noreply@blogger.com0