Cat & Mouse Joke

I have been feeling down lately since the loss of a wonderful pet. I know it has been a month already but still, I miss him a lot.

So I decided to look for funny pet jokes to see if there's any that could make me laugh. And yes, this funny cat joke from Ruling Cats and Dogs did the trick.

By the way, Ruling Cats and Dogs is a cat and dog pet website that I visit sometimes. If you love cats or dogs, check them out.

Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.

"What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked.
"A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered.
"What for?"
"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them."
"But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.

Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Gosh, it surely has been a looong while since I have read a good funny joke! I have been depressive after my beloved dog died and have slacked in my blogging too. Anyway, I hope to improve my pace in updating my blogs this month.

So here's a funny joke that has a serious theme. I know that many guys shit in their pants when it comes to dating a girl who still lives with her family. LOL If your girlfriend is such a girl, this joke "10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter" will tell you what the girlfriend's father did not tell you outright.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

This funny joke was copied from Funny Humor. Did you enjoy it? tee hee!

Randy The Horniest Rooster

This is a very funny animal joke. Well, funny if you like joke like these. It is quite long and I am sorry for that but in less than a minute so it didn’t seem like it is too long, just a lot of text!

Ohm by the way, I found this joke in Daily Funny Jokes. They do have quite a lot of funny jokes, which I am trying to accumulate as well but I am working at a snail's pace. SIGH!

Meanwhile, enjoy this adult animal joke. LOL

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn't stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy."

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"

Guy Does The Laundry

I have read this gender joke about a guy doing his laundry, or a variation of this, quite a few times. However, each time, it is still able to bring a smile to my face. I don't know why I could forget the punch line every single time! Maybe I have an ultra short memory.

Anyway, you know about all those dumb blonde jokes? This guy must have been a blond too!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

Sex Drive Too "High"

This is a very logical yet funny adult joke. It would not make you go HA-HA-HA but will guarantee a chuckle out of you!

Let me know via comment if you enjoyed my collection of jokes to inspire me to look for better and better ones to keep you laughing! Thank you!

'You're in remarkable shape for a man your age,' said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

'I know it,' said the old gentleman. 'I've really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?'

The doctor's mouth dropped open. 'Your what?!' he gasped.

'My sex drive,' said the old man. 'It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can.'

'Lower it?!' exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. 'Just what do you consider 'high'?'

'These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc,' said the old man, 'and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.'

No Milk How To Breast Feed???

Of all the jokes that I ever read before, I don't believe that I have read this adult joke before. I think this joke will surely bring out at east a chuckle out of you, if not, there surely must be something wrong with you! :p

So here goes, but don't say I didn't warn that it is 18-SX!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

Source: Here

A Drunk In The Toilet

I needed a good laugh this week and went looking for funny jokes on the web to cheer myself up. It's not easy to make my laugh because my pet died a couple of days ago but this one is rather funny.

I know there are quite a few drunk jokes but I guess when one is drunk, anything could possibly happen!

Tell me what you think of this joke. Is it funny enough for you?

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"