A Drunk In The Toilet

I needed a good laugh this week and went looking for funny jokes on the web to cheer myself up. It's not easy to make my laugh because my pet died a couple of days ago but this one is rather funny.

I know there are quite a few drunk jokes but I guess when one is drunk, anything could possibly happen!

Tell me what you think of this joke. Is it funny enough for you?

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Drunkard's Confession

This one is really funny.

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.

The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

The drunk thought he was in the toilet!

Beer Patch

heheheh I bet this is also the first time you have heard of a beer patch!

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

We'll Never Forget You!

This one I never read before but jokes that are outrageous like this are hard to relate to la, right?

Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls.

They are very drunk and as the walk home was taking longer than expected,

find themselves desperate for a wee.

As they are passing a church with a graveyard,

they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones.

As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.

The first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards,

which is what she does.

The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it,

but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it.

One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick, expensive ribbon.

'Just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her,

and uses the ribbon.

Their task completed, they continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second.

"We need to keep an eye on our wives.

Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"

"You think you've got problems!" exclaims the second husband.

"My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said

'We'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station'!"

Piss Drunk

This is worth reading twice. It never fail to amuse.

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."