The ZEN of Life

I was digging through my old email when I chanced upon this one. It’s pretty long but it’s in list form so reading it should be a breeze. These will make you think… and laugh.

I remember writing a list of similar ZENs of life but I don’t know where I kept them anymore. Well, maybe one day when I managed to find them, I’ll post them up here too! Meanwhile, enjoy these!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Polish Sausage

I've got a joke here that was sent to me by email by a friend sometime back and I didn't have the chance to share it. Some people may not get the joke because this is an American-centric joke.

Man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some Polish sausage.

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says," Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no"

"And if I asked you for some Irish whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?

What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Oh, come on, this joke is really too far-fetched already! LOL

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

I was reading some jokes when I spotted this very funny joke making fun of psychiatric patients. If you are one of them, then better don't read or your will feel hurt at this light-hearted joke.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Where Are The Fingers?

Haha.... this joke is exceptionally gross but it is quite funny, unexpectedly making me laugh out loud. Where are the fingers?

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

Who's Deaf Now?

No matter how many times I read this joke at various times, it still is able to make me laugh. I don't know why some jokes may be funny but it's quite easy to forget about them hence despite reading it a few times, they still seem like a fresh joke.

This one, has a slight twist to it, maybe that’s why it is as amusing as reading it the first time. And as you know, only jokes that can make me laugh are published here!

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and saysomething to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, whats for dinner?"

He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply.

He moves 5 feetcloser. Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, whats for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Which Girlfriend To Marry?

This is SO typical of men. It definitely is NOT how smart a lady is! No-no! *sigh*

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

10 Things To Do In A Bathroom Stall

This one got me laughing! Does anyone dare to do these??

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shoudn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place 6 feet to 8 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10.Fill up a large flask with Moutain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

Leave me suggestions if you want =)

How To Impress

I apologize for not updating as regularly as I should. I try to back date to make up for the slack. I've been so busy blogging since I have more than ten blogs to take care of.

Although I write paid posts almost daily, this is my passion blog and I come here to relieve stress.

Here's a joke I found rather funny, funny because it's true!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.

Loud, Mad, or Sad

Funny how people define things differently.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Carnation Milk

This is said to be a true story. Really or not? I'm a bit skeptical. :o)

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with: "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!"

She sent in her entry and, about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much; we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."

Here is her entry:

"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son of a bitch."

Is This What Friends Are For?

You'll only know who your true friends are when you're in trouble.

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Chinese Laundry

LOL I personally think it's rude to have other people clean your own lingerie, even if it's paid service.

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it came back there were still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said," Use more paper on ass."

Parrot Betting

hah... can gamble with a parrot too!

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

Business Ethics

LOL that's gonna be one hell of a dilemma for him!

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

-- Henny Youngman

Ugga Bugga

Haha this one's funny. Learnt a new term too :o)

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary.

The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!

Slow as Snail

This one's really funny. Wonder who wrote it!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

Cure For Cough

This is funny but rather gross and we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy!

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."

Are You Kidding?

hehe this is a funnily sarcastic joke!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

Country Politics

This one's funny. We can't trust those bloody politicians!

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Getting A Second Opinion

Aha ~ good excuse for married people.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."