It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.
Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said that of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said that yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
The origin of man's sex life
Monday, November 06, 2006
10 Downfalls Of Manhood
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your rest rooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first".
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Dumb Men Jokes
What is the thinnest book in the world?
- What men know about women.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One ... men will screw anything.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
- He eats beans for dinner.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
- Because they don't have balls to scratch.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
- A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
- If he's breathing.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
- Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
- Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common?
- They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
- Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
- We don't know ... it never happens.
How are men and parking spots alike?
- The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
- Lifting his feet so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between men and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
- A hot dog and a six pack.
Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
- So he can be open minded.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Honey, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug ok?"
She nodded, got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Perfect Day
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep