3 Stages of Marital Sex

I am sure you would have read about the joke: "Marriage is a three RING Circus". But have you read about the "Three stages of marital sex"?

Honeymoon sex:
This is where you have sex three or four times a night.

Vacation sex:
This is where you have sex, ten, or twelve times a year.

Oral sex:
This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from your spouse and yell, "Fxxk YOU!"

Orange Penis

Here is an adult joke that I came across days ago but could not find the time to post. Yes, I have been that busy! I think it’s funny but I hope that it does not offend your sense. Otherwise, I’m sorry, joke blogs are not your kind of blogs to read.

Anyway, I have read a joke on blue penis before but this is a first for orange penis. Maybe later, someone would be writing jokes on penises of other colours! LOL

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange."

The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange.

The old man said "No." The doctor thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.
The old man said "No, I'm retired."

The doctor then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage.

The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos.

American Beer

This joke has been classified as an adult joke but it is not really that. I guess it is because of the word SEX. This is a very logical joke, though, so enjoy!

As always, do let me know if you like it!

A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There`s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I`ve got the wife on American beer!"

Sex Drive Too "High"

This is a very logical yet funny adult joke. It would not make you go HA-HA-HA but will guarantee a chuckle out of you!

Let me know via comment if you enjoyed my collection of jokes to inspire me to look for better and better ones to keep you laughing! Thank you!

'You're in remarkable shape for a man your age,' said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

'I know it,' said the old gentleman. 'I've really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?'

The doctor's mouth dropped open. 'Your what?!' he gasped.

'My sex drive,' said the old man. 'It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can.'

'Lower it?!' exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. 'Just what do you consider 'high'?'

'These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc,' said the old man, 'and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.'

No Milk How To Breast Feed???

Of all the jokes that I ever read before, I don't believe that I have read this adult joke before. I think this joke will surely bring out at east a chuckle out of you, if not, there surely must be something wrong with you! :p

So here goes, but don't say I didn't warn that it is 18-SX!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

Source: Here

The Nudist Colony

Here is a very funny adult joke that's seriously funny although you kind of expected the ending but it is still quite funny. It's an adult joke so their ending always have a twist to them!

Read it with an open mind!

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”

The man replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” asks the newcomer.

“It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” she asks.

The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I’m outta here!”

Source: HERE

The Horny Superman Joke

I've heard of this horny Superman joke years ago when I was still in school. I didn't know how that got spread because we did not even have internet back then.

I was rather surprised, pleasantly so, when I chanced upon this horny Superman joke, in writing, posted at an adult jokes section of a joke website.

Sometimes, it really is good to read old jokes that are still funny no matter how many times you have read it. Do you agree?

Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.

Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.

He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?”

Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my ass hurts!”

The Koala Bear and the Prostitute

In my last post, I talked about looking for an adult joke that led me to a joke on a koala bear. By sheer coincidence, I chanced upon an adult joke today that features the koala bear. I wonder what is it with Koala bears???

This is a joke that I got from Joke Tribe. They mentioned that Joke Tribe is a large database of jokes collected over ten years. Wow, that's plenty of good jokes there I am sure.

This joke is SOMEWHAT funny only but I thought I'd publish it here, because of the coincidence with the koala bear. What do you think?

A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her one last time before departing.

As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey! What about my money?" The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look, and shrugged his shoulders.

She said, "Come here," and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid".

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala", and showed her: "eats bush and leaves"

A Koala Who Smokes Joint

I was searching for an adult joke for my blog this morning because I thought it has been pretty long since I posted one.

I was particularly interested on jokes on gay marriages but I ended up with this adult joke, which is NOT really adult, it's not 18SX and the only reason it is labelled "Adult" is because of the "joint"

But still, this joke is really funny that it made me laugh out. I hope that you find it funny too!

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

Source: Adult Joke Database

Paying The Rent

A couple of days ago, I came across this very funny adult joke from Funny and Jokes, one of my favourite joke sites. They have an excellent database of jokes that I could reread many times over.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

“Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of this check and note, what does the lady do? Well, you've got to hop over to Funny and Jokes to read the rest of the joke!

Babe Watch

Hahaha my friend told me a similar joke about a dumb couple. Now I can tell him this! Use your imagination a bit, ok?!? :p

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen.

He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer.

He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."

It's Warm and It's Moist

This is really funny. Grossy humour. Don't read this if you just ate! Yucky! Don't say I didn't warn you!

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Bang! Bang!

This is the first time I read this joke. Haha quite funny.

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

"Gama Su! Gama Su!"

This is sure to crack you up!

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!".

Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese.

Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

What part of your body...

I love this kind of jokes of young innocent minds.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and sheasked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

No spikka English

Isn't it rude to laugh at people? :p

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

"Don’t forget the coffee!"

My cousin is an airplane pilot and he tells me the darnest things happen behind the cockpit door!

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it.

As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Visit to the Psychiatrist

I've been missing for almost two weeks. That could only mean that my sexy lingerie consignment has arrived. I'm very sorry for the interval and I'm gonna back date my posts a bit :p

Now I'm back to entertain you with some of the best jokes on the net. I hope you will laugh as hard as me.

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."

Codeword For s3x

A funny joke that makes you use your imagination.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have s3x without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Voodoo Pen!s

This is a rather long joke but it's worth reading. I know it's old but you'll laugh no matter how many times you've read it before.

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.

One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport.

She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady."

He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go."

The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.

The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box.

After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help. She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road.

A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.

She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"